It is the beginning of 2016 and I’m already struggling. I know a lot of people may look at me and think that I’m ungrateful. “She goes to NYU, she has a scholarship, and she gets to experience things other people don’t get to experience.” Yes, I do. I do go to NYU, I’m still paying a lot of money for it, and yes I am experiencing a lot of things. But for what price?
I was happy in 2015. I was genuinely happy. I was surrounded by people who loved me and cared about me. I was doing well in school. I spent the summer going on adventures with my friends. I wasn’t fighting with my family anymore. I made new friends. I fell in love with my best friend. I thought I was ready to experience more than just the Bay Area. That’s really what I thought…
To be honest, it was fine for the first semester of college. Yeah, of course I had my share of struggles, but I held it in because I knew that after four years at this school, I would be set. I met a lot of great people from all over the world and my roommates are also an amazing group of girls. I found a great church, secured a work-study job at the library, and joined a few clubs.
I ended 2015 back in Cali on a ski trip with my boyfriend, friends, and family, and I felt that nothing would drag me down in 2016. The first month was great. I caught up with a lot of my friends and spent almost everyday with my boyfriend. I felt happy and content.
But, I had to go back to reality. That’s where it happened.
Nothing changed when I came back to New York but it was my own self that began to lose sight. Slowly, I began to drift off into a darkness that I couldn’t get out of. I had bad dreams, some nights I couldn’t sleep, and other nights I would sleep for endless hours. I started to get moody and the feeling that no one was there for me overwhelmed me. I would cry, then laugh, and then feel nothing at all. I began losing faith in what I believed in and I felt no constant in my life.
Some people may not understand and consider me to be blowing off my blessings. Yes, being able to experience a new place is amazing and it offers so many opportunities that I will always be grateful for. But, when you’re surrounded by a big group of friends and you still feel like you’re alone…? It gets to you in ways you can’t imagine.
A lot of these “New Year, New Me” posts should end on a positive note. I had a lot of drafts before this one because I was trying to do just that. I was trying to find something I learned from 2015 and ways to improve myself in 2016. A realization. A bigger picture. A step of maturation. Be able to give people some type of advice on how to take a step in their paths by taking an example from my own. But I don’t have that. The thing is, there is no such thing as a “new me”. Every year that we age, we’re also every year we were before that.
A poem by Sandra Cisnero explains it well.
“Like some days you might say something stupid, and that's the part of you that's still ten. Or maybe some days you might need to sit on your mama's lap because you're scared, and that's the part of you that's five. And maybe one day when you're all grown up maybe you will need to cry like if you're three, and that's okay.”
Sometimes you don’t need to have a goal or even stay positive…. But what you really need to do is try. Even when you don’t know where you’re headed don’t slow down and sulk but rather run and see where life is heading. So, whenever you feel like you’re sad and no one is there, just close your eyes and start to run. And when you open your eyes, you’ll be amazed at how far you’ve come in 2017.