The sensation of comfort. The warmth of palm to palm. The energy from lips to lips. The moments that I cherished most when I simply did not want to move any part of my body, but to just lay there with him. It's hard to explain the feeling of falling in love. The structure is more complex than it is said and done. It's the amount of clustered affection that I feel throughout my body. The confusion when you’re are so happy, but you’re crying. The mindset you mold when someone else's life value becomes as valuable as yours. I didn’t realize how deeply I have fallen into such a foreign place.
It was unfamiliar, but I felt like I belonged.
When we first started talking, our walls reached the clouds. We spoke very little about our ambitions, goals, and the small things like what makes us happy and what makes us sad. As time passed by, I allowed myself to become more involved in his life, as he did the same for me. It was then when I realized he and I were very similar, yet very different. He taught me many things that are very useful in life. He gave me solutions to the worst thoughts that would accumulate in my mind.
When I was a child, I have always felt lonely. My mother and father did not raise me as we all were in different countries. My parents valued wealth intensely, so they set off to find job opportunities in the United States. My brother and I were left in the Philippines with different caretakers every month. We moved from house to house until I turned five when my parents decided to bring us to the U.S.
But even with my parents around, I still did not feel home. There was something that I needed, something that had to trigger my comfort.
It was not until I met him that I defined home in a very abstract way.
Things started to change when we spent time together. It’s the ticking of the clock that represented such heartbreak. We lived 500 miles away from each other, but we knew that we were meant to be together. Time with him is very precious. I treasured it more than I treasured wealth .I was very naïve of how relationships worked, and I was scared because we were forging a very intense and serious one. He was capable of unraveling all of me to understand every root of my emotions and actions. He knew who I am, who I want to be, and where I want to go. He knew every corner of my existence.
And I was fine with that.
It’s the abundance of joy that I felt when he would understand me. I felt that I didn’t have to try so hard to satisfy my need of comfort because he gave me a lot of it. He would always look straight into my eyes, and speak the most beautiful words.
But all I could do was get lost in his greenish brown eyes.
It compels me to assert the things that my heart conduct but my mind is too scared to say. The gentle I love you and I miss you. Though I don’t really feel like myself when I act fragile or soft, when I am with him, I feel like I am someone better.
It was the same when it came to him. I was able to dissect every piece of personality he had. There was nothing I wanted to change about him, and that’s stupefying because I felt like I couldn’t be happy without him.
You know the feeling of homesickness? When the nostalgia kicks in and you suddenly miss your bed, or your bathroom, or the people you live with. To me it was different. He gave me love. He gave me the sensations that home always made us feel. It was like waking up in the morning and knowing that your hair looks like a birds nest, or your face is covered in slobber but you don't care because you were alone in your own bed. I was with him in the moments that I felt so flaw-full. And the best thing about?
He still loved me.
There were also times in our relationship that I also felt uncomfortable. I spent a lot of time as a young adult in the closet. My parents always asked me about what I am, but my answers lied within the white lies that made me feel normal. I was scared to tell them the truth because I didn’t wanna break their expectations. I didn’t want them to disown me for being someone that they didn’t raise. Though, when I realized that I was not comfortable with whom I presented myself to be, I finally revealed what I am.
I didn’t get it, and I never will. People limit themselves to love others due to societal perceptions. People are scared to be who they want to be because they don’t want to be abnormal or unaccepted by society. Society obliterates their comfort to the point of being "normal". Mindfulness is what I appreciate. I was happy that my parents actually support me.
I felt like my life had started to fall into place after meeting him. I fell into this foreign territory that affected me emotionally and mentally. Though it was not familiar, I felt like I belonged. Everything felt right. The way I loved him. The way he loved me.
The way I wanted to be anywhere else but with him.
He’s made me into the best version of myself. He’s molded me into a stronger person. His love gave me the strength to find where I wanted to be, and I am finally able to see myself go beyond the comfortability that was already there.
I was able to see what home really meant to me. It was never a structure or building.
It was a soul.
Jocaz is a 20 year old student attending Berkeley Community College.