POST-FIRST COLLEGE SEMESTER THOUGHTS.
There I was, laying on my bed, without a single care for the world. It's raining here in Hercules, which is almost unfamiliar to me. The raindrops pitter and patter from the ceiling to the ground outside my window in a perfect rhythm. It's 2PM. I just woke up. The rest of my house s awkwardly quiet, save for the footsteps from whoever is upstairs.
I got up a few times to do necessary human functions, but in reality, I stayed in bed for hours. Just laying there in the dark, huddled up in a pile of blankets. And then I thought to myself,
This is a very unfamiliar feeling. This is a feeling that I have not had for about three years. My boyfriend is away with his family in Alaska to celebrate the Holidays. My Gladeo duties do not resume until January. I was in between semesters for Cogswell, so there was no homework due. There is no parts to memorize for the next spring musical, no Herban Movement or Junior Achievement duties to be done, no groundbreaking events like meeting Obama or being on live TV coming up.
For years, I have not felt this way. There was always something in the back of my mind that needed to get done. Prepare for regionals. Prepare for nationals. Do your internship duties. Memorize this song and this choreography. Finish that project. Write that paper. Pack for travel. There was none of that.
So I went to the kitchen, made myself a cup of coffee, grabbed my laptop, and began to type my feelings away.
The weirdest part about this is that I don't know how to feel. Yes, I am free of all responsibilities. My boyfriend is away, my family is never really home, and it's raining outside so I can't really do anything. But why am I not happy?
For years now I've relied on the idea of fighting for something to keep me motivated. This was especially true for 2015. A lot happened this year, and I will forever be thankful for all the success. But, to tell the truth, I did work for it. That's not just me being vain now. Anyone whose worked with me with Herban Movement, theater, RCVB, JA, Gladeo, and everything else in between will testify when I say that I never rest. Most of my nights are spent on the computer getting some work done. Why? Because I knew that if I kept working, great things would come. And they did come.
But now I have none of that. I feel stripped of any accomplishments. As if I am a blank canvas, ready to be painted on. Or maybe, this really elaborate painting that someone took years to finish, then painted plain white, removing every detail, every stroke, and every bit of hard work that went into it.
I feel empty.
Should I? It's true when they say "there i no rest for the wicked." For a long time I was on this never-ending roller coaster of a life, and suddenly it's come to an abrupt stop, and I am left to wonder where to go to next.
I guess in a way it's beautiful, not knowing where this will take me. Some may call me a hard worker. Some may call me a workaholic. Some may say that I am addicted to this idea of having a purpose, and that being idle makes me feel useless and lazy.
But one thing is for sure,
I am free.