So by now, you may have noticed that my site has been inactive for a few months. Aside from one blog post and a handful of featured writings, I just haven't felt motivated to write (which is ironic, because I have been filled with all kinds of emotions these last few weeks). But I guess I am just an extremely busy person with a lot of baggage to carry around.
When I was 17, I encountered a life situation that changed the way I do life. Since then, my unspoken life rule was simple- to balance my whole everything around one particular thing (or person) to keep me going. It was the core of my being. That passionate fire inside of me. But lately, I've accepted that my fire has been dwindling after years of hard work. In fact, I'm pretty much burnt out.
First, let's address the elephant in the r̶o̶o̶m̶ blog. After a little over a year of being together, Austin and I ended our relationship. I can sit here and type positive notes about how easy it's been and how I am optimistic about moving forward with my own life, but I'd be lying to you. There are moments in the morning when I wake up and forget about what's going on in my life. Do you ever have that feeling? That split second when your brain springs back to life. Then it hits me. It's been weeks now, and I am yet to fully recover. I am, in many ways, shocked and distraught.
This is not a stab at Austin either, he is a great guy. This is not a letter to bash him on the internet. We're still friends, but we just have a few things we have to work on as young men. I have done my best to deal with my feelings in different ways, but somehow, I end up on the same route. Since I became homeless at 17, I've always had a reason to wake up and tell myself to keep going. It was Herban Movement, then it was going to college, then it was Austin.
As of now, there is nothing I see as a core. Every pursuit feels empty.
Over the last few weeks, every day has become a battle. This all happened in the weeks leading up to finals, so you can guess how hard that was. I catch myself doing things or having thoughts I haven't had since I was 16. I've somehow finished this semester with nothing lower than a 90% in all my classes, but working hard like that comes with a cost.
I thought that after finals, I would have time to breathe. Instead, I am still emotionally and physically exhausted. Two years of non-stop work has taken a toll on me- many of you know how many responsibilities I carry around; none of them I ever regret. The thing is, as much as I hate to admit it but I am a pure workaholic. I practically had to force myself to type this (as I am paying to continue this blog but not using it). I am currently under a pile of blankets at my mom's house in Hercules, wondering why I am such a workaholic and why the Bay Area is so unfaithfully cold right now. I am in between semesters, so that means no school and no internship for the time being. Many of you will probably say, 'Oh, that's good! He can take a break!'. But honestly, it feels very empty for me to wake up knowing there is on commitment. I hate the feeling of being unproductive. I thought staying at my mom's would detox me, but all I have been is miserable and antsy to do something with my life.
I'm actually very surprised that this post is getting along very well. I haven't felt inspired to write in months (you've noticed that). I haven't been inspired to go out and take pictures either. Hell, I haven't even been inspired to post stories on GWS that my friends have written. I haven't been inspired to play video games, or to draw, or to work out. I just feel kind of - stagnant? It's strange. I can't explain why. I am enjoying spending time with my family and friends, but beyond that I just feel like I'm going nowhere with my life.
Like I've lost my flame.
I've opened up about what depression and anxiety for me is like. It's still a battle. How do I fight that? I've tried a few things. I've gone on a few dates. I've increased the amount of units I am taking next semester to keep me occupied. I've begun planning for new projects to start with my team for next semester's internship cycle. I even have a new dietary and gym plan I plan to follow for 2017. Right now, I guess I'm looking for something to ignite me again. I just feel burnt out in my pile of ashes. I need to rise.
For a long time, I believed in having a core to wake up for. But now, I see that I shouldn't get up for a boy, or a project, or school, or my career- I should wake up for me. I am quite insecure about many things, and I never think that I am good enough for anything. I want to learn to love myself and do something about what I am insecure about. I want to learn to wake up and get up not for any reason aside from the fact that this is my life, and it needs to revolve around me.
It's really nice to express my emotions through my blog again. I never know how many of you are actually listening. Just know that I am grateful to have you in my life. Each one of you. Thank you for sticking with me through my highs and lows. Some days are good, and some days are bad. I'm happy to know that I have people to count on, rain or shine.